A few weekends ago, Mrs. The Jim and I went to an all-day childbirth class at the hospital. I had a feeling it would be either incredibly boring, inherently ridiculous, or some combination thereof. Given this assessment, I decided to take notes throughout just in case.
So, I now present to you My Running Commentary of Childbirth Class:
8:50 AM: We arrive in the hospital parking lot. I grab the prerequisite pillows and blankets and we head inside. I already feel like a cliché.
8:55 AM: We hit the classroom, and there are already 7 couples. One guy has come in wearing a visor, cargo shorts, and flip flops. Apparently, we interrupted his golf game ... or maybe a booze cruise.
8:56 AM: The guy who just sat down at the front of the classroom literally has more product in his hair than all of the women put together.
9:18 AM: We're forced to go around the room and "tell a little about ourselves". I really hate things like this.
9:25 AM: We've gone around the room. Out of 20 couples, only 1 group refused to find out the gender of the baby. Seriously? Birth of a child isn't enough of a big event, you also need the surprise of "guess the genitalia"? I already distrust those people!
9:45 AM: The nurse teaching the class suggests salmon as an excellent source of nutrients for expectant mothers. This peaks my attention, only because it gives me an excuse to find some new grilling recipes for fish.
9:55 AM: The nurse tells us she's "half hippie and half clinician." I hate to tell her, but we all knew that the moment she walked in.
10:02 AM: Half-Hippie-Nurse pulls out a model of a uterus, and it's ... some sort-of knitted, striped, woolen bag-thing. If that's medically accurate, that would explain why my wife is always so hot - her internal organs are comprised of sweaters!
10:21 AM: We all have to close our eyes for a "relaxation exercise." This doesn't sound good.
10:25 AM: "Visualize your vertebrae separating." "Let out a heavy sigh - almost with an emphasis on the letter H." (I have NO idea how to do either one of these things.)
10:40 am: I blame my wife for this. Not because she's pregnant, but because this is HER hospital that is subjecting me to this!
10:43 AM: Nurse/hippie compares a woman in labor to an athlete. She specifically mentions Dirk Nowitzki. I don't have an issue with comparing labor to athletics ... I just find the image of a skinny, 7-foot German dude giving birth to be a funny visual.
10:55 AM: We've identified the Teacher's Suck-Up for the class. The woman at the very front makes sure to let the teacher know that she's experienced every one of these pre-labor symptoms ... as if she's better at pregnancy than the rest of the group!
11:08 AM: When Nurse Hippie turns the lights back on, Visor Boy makes sure to put his little hat back on too. I guess the florescent lights were getting in his eyes.
11:43 AM: Movie Time! And even though this is a state-of-the-art facility, they're still using VHS tapes for their classes. Do they even make VHS tapes any more?
11:44 AM: The first woman they show is wearing some sort of headband/tiara. This is the only thing I will get out of this entire movie.
12:10 PM: Time for lunch. Since this is Mrs. The Jim's hospital, we get the employee discount. A Chicken Cordon Bleu sandwich never tasted so good!
1:34 PM: The following was uttered by Nurse Hippie and is offered without comment: "I'm proud to say - we have the balls!"
1:36 PM: I can't really read my notes here, but it looks like, "Pre turf sound. Soft warm soup." This may be the stretch when the entire class was tripping on acid.
1:41 PM: We're in the midst of another relaxation exercise. She tells us, "Notice how that relaxes your jaw." I don't. Somehow, I can't even relax correctly.
1:45 PM: She tells us to "make it tight & stiff." It takes every fiber of my being to not shout out, "That's what she said!"
1:54 PM: Nurse Hippie gives half of the couples a bunch of Pool Noodles, and the other half some paint rollers. Essentially, we are paying a woman to make us look like buffoons.
2:41 PM: Movie time #2. I've just realized that the narrator sounds like the woman who narrated my safety training videos at work. This woman either has a great voice, or just knows a lot about multiple topics.
2:50 PM: My flu-ridden wife just turned, faced me, and coughed directly into my face. Beyond having the stress of becoming a father, I now also have the plague!
3:23 PM: We FINALLY get to go on the tour of the maternity section. I now know where to park. Thus concludes the only bit of information I really wanted to obtain.
3:32 PM: Nurse Hippie is shaking a pregnant woman. I'm sure there's a good reason ... but don't people go to prison for this?
4:10 PM: And we're finally dismissed. Now we apparently know everything required to endure labor. Fortunately, we're paying a bunch of doctors to keep things straight, because I clearly am out of my element.
Actually, I'm sure the people who are going to deal with labor got a lot out of this. As we're going straight to C-Section, though, it was probably more entertainment than anything else.
No comments:
Post a Comment